It was probably the strangest promotion ever.
You see, my mother had a great job as a powerful corporate lawyer. She worked for Cobolt Lansing in their acquisitions department.
When they acquired a smaller company which made sex toys, the Board of Directors decided to continue the manufacturing of the adult products, because they were highly profitable.
However, none of the high powered attorneys wanted anything to do with the sex toys department because they were afraid it would stain their reputations (no pun intended).
So, my mother was offered the spot as lead attorney for the sex toys department. If things went well, she was promised an even bigger promotion as a corporate lawyer for Cobolt Lansing.
Sure enough, my mother accepted the job. And it was a decision which would change her life forever.
***
My mother placed the box on the dining table after she had come home from work. It was a plain box. Unmarked. Obviously a prototype.
“Well, here it is,” she said, putting her hands on her hips.
She was still dressed in her corporate attire, which consisted of an office skirt and a buttoned up top.
“What is it?” I asked.
“The new SuperVibMax5000.”
“The what?”
She shook her head. “Nevermind. The name’s not important.”
There was a slight look of embarrassment on her face after she had said the name of the device. After all, the thing was a sex toy.
“So you’re literally taking your work home with you,” I teased.
I couldn’t help teasing my mother. And she responded by putting her hands on her hips and giving me a stern motherly look.
“As a little reminder, don’t forget who’s paying for your expensive college tuition.”
“Okay, okay,” I backed off.
My mother also backed away from her stern look.
“I’m in charge of making sure we don’t get sued,” she said. “You know, products liabilities, deceptive marketing. That sort of thing.”
“Deceptive marketing? For a sex toy?”
She nodded. “This isn’t just any sex toy. The SuperVibMax series has grossed tens of millions around the world. This new model is expected to break records. Especially with all the claims that the inventors have made.”
“Good thing you’ve acquired them. Just in time.”
“True, but with those claims comes responsibilities. We could be looking at lawsuits if we don’t deliver.”
“So what are you going to do? Test it?” I asked.
She nearly blushed, “The corporate bosses suggested that I give it a try before doing any sort of legal analysis. I need to know how true the claims are.”
The question I asked was half-joking. But my mother was entirely serious about having to use the sex toy. It was a response I wasn’t expecting. Suddenly, I knew things were going to be awkward.
***
That night. I went to my room to sleep. Before I could close my bedroom door, I heard a loud buzzing sound which immediately stopped. There was no doubt about it. Mom must have been trying out the new sex toy. What a dirty thought to imagine.
My mother opened her bedroom door, and we awkwardly looked at each other in the hallway. She wore a small tshirt and pajama pants. There was a slightly embarrassed look on her face.
“Did you hear that?” she asked.
I nodded, “Yeah.”
“Sorry,” she nearly blushed. “I’m terrible with gadgets. Or in this case, power tools.”
This time, I was the one who nearly blushed when my mother referred to the sex toy as a ‘power tool.’ Whatever it was, it must have been impressive.
There was a look of frustration on my mother’s face. She was a perfectionist. And an extremely hard worker. That’s why she was able to graduate from a top law school and work for a major corporation.
That also explained why she was still awake late at night playing with her company’s new sex toy.
“Well, I’m sure reading the instruction manual would help,” I suggested.
“That’s part of the problem. There isn’t one yet. Nothing is going to be printed unless I give the approval for their claims.”
“So no one showed you how to use it?”
“I had a crash course from one of the designers,” she replied. “But like I said, I’m terrible with gadgets.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
In classic mom fashion, she knew what I was thinking, just by looking at the expression on my face.
“Do you want to help?” she asked, hands on her hips, like she was too proud to ask.
I shrugged, “Would that be weird?”
She gave a soft sigh. “It’s for work. Very important work, I might add. So if you promise to be professional, then I’d like your help. Is that okay?”
Things were starting to feel weird already.
“I’m always professional.”
She gave me a skeptical look and gestured for me to enter her bedroom.
***
The device was unlike anything I had ever seen before. It was shaped like a vibrator (the kind that looks like it’s molded after a large penis). There was also a handle at the end with all sorts of switches and settings. It looked very advanced, and I understood why so many women paid big bucks for it.
After fidgeting with it for a while, I was able to understand how the thing worked. I explained to my mother the different settings available, along with all of the different vibrations it could make.
My mother looked at me like I was speaking a different language. Her expertise was legal writing and analysis, not mechanical things. And especially not sex toys. She wasn’t that type of person. She was the prim & proper type of a woman.
But, my mother seemed to manage when I handed it to her, and she played around with it for a while. It was so bizarre handing my mother an advanced sex toy and teaching her how to use it. I’m sure she felt the same way. But as always, her main priority was her job and getting it done.
“You’re the best,” she said, switching the vibrator off. “Now if you don’t mind, I would really like to…nevermind…”
She gave another embarrassed look. It was clear that she was planning to use the sex toy on herself. Awkward.
“I’ll leave you to it,” I casually replied, trying to make things less awkward.
I prepared to leave as fast as possible.
“Wait,” she said, with an apprehensive look on her face. “This job really means a lot to me. I could receive a big promotion if the launch of this device goes smoothly. So I want to do my very best. And in order to do that, I need a well-informed opinion of the SuperVibMax5000.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being dedicated.”
She sighed, “I don’t think you understand.”
Things were getting confusing.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I need to experience this firsthand. But I’m terrified of it. I honestly don’t know how I could use it on myself. Just look at this thing.”
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