Kelly Ripa wants Regis Philbin’s job.
Kelly Ripa is really pissed off. She has been co-host of the ABC morning show, “Live with Regis and Kelly”, for ten years now. She has poured her heart and soul into this television program. She has done everything she can think of to make the show a success and to make sure that Regis Philbin looks good on camera. And after all this, what does she have to show for all her efforts? She has nothing to show but heartache.
Regis Philbin has recently announced, during one of the shows, that he is going to retire. Regis even kept it a secret from Kelly, until just prior to the show airing that day. He couldn’t even trust her with the information before that. That was the first thing to upset her. The worst was yet to come. The program executives have just announced that they are in the process of auditioning numerous male celebrities to take over as host of the show. Kelly was totally overlooked and not even given consideration. Once again, she is in the backseat to a male host. Once again, she is just an insignificant co-host. Boy oh boy, is she ever pissed.
No longer able to contain herself, she has been spouting off her displeasure to anyone who will listen. One person in particular is her dentist, Dr. Paul Sullivan. Kelly has been seeing him since she first moved to New York. She comes to his office quite often for regular check-ups, as well as teeth cleaning and whitening. Dr. Sullivan has spent hours hearing Ms. Ripa complain about the ABC network and their lack of recognition of her talent. She complains that she is the real star of the show and should be given the top slot. Frankly, he is sick and tired of her constant whining.
Dr. Sullivan is sitting in a bar one evening, having a few drinks with his closest friend, Jim Coleman. The two of them met while serving in the Army during the Persian Gulf War. The doctor was in the Medical Corps while Jim was in the Intelligence Corps. Jim saved Dr. Sullivan’s life during their stint in Iraq and the doctor promised Jim that he would repay him someday. They both ended up settling in New York City; Dr. Sullivan as a dentist and Jim Coleman as a security advisor.
While sitting in the bar, Dr. Sullivan has been telling Jim stories about Kelly Ripa and her constant complaining. Jim has always had a thing for Kelly, even though he finds her attitude a little bitchy. A thought comes into Jim’s head and he thinks he has found a way for Dr. Sullivan to repay his debt to him. He presents his idea to his friend, who at first is reluctant, but then decides to go along with Jim’s plan.
Kelly has an appointment, coming up with Dr. Sullivan, to have a root canal on an upper molar. She will have a temporary cap put on for about a week while the new porcelain veneer cap is made. Jim wants the doctor to place a miniature transmitter/receiver in the hollowed out tooth for that week long period. Dr. Sullivan will remove it when the final cap is put on.
The dental procedure goes off without any problems. Two days later, Kelly is sitting in her dressing room after the show. She is talking to herself about her displeasures with the show. As she sits in front of her makeup mirror, she has no possible idea that Jim Coleman can hear every word that she says.
“I should be the main star of this show”, she says indignantly. “The live audience comes to the studio just to see me. The TV viewers tune in every day just to see me. I’m the one who poses in all the magazines. I’m the one that everybody adores and loves. Regis thinks that he is such a big hot shot. What has he ever done in his career to be the star? God, I would do absolutely anything to be the future host of this show.”
In a deep majestic voice, Jim speaks to her through the transmitter in her tooth. A voice echoes in her head, a voice that only Kelly can hear.
“Anything, Kelly?” the voice says.
Completely startled, Kelly spins around in her swivel chair, “Who said that?” A quick scan tells her that no one else in the dressing room. She looks over at the adjoining bathroom but nobody is there either. She gets up out of the chair and rushes to the dressing room door. She looks up and down the hall only to see the corridor empty. Kelly then slams her door shut. “All right, this isn’t funny. Who’s in here?” she says slightly frightened.
“You’re the one that called me”, the voice says.
Now panicked, Kelly picks up the phone and calls security to her room. The guard shows up quickly and knocks on her door, “Security Ms. Ripa.” The door opens to Kelly standing there with terrified eyes. “Someone’s hiding in here”, she says, “I want them found immediately and arrested.” The security guard enters the room cautiously but can quickly determine that the relatively small two room area was clear. The guard looks perplexed but even searches the wardrobe closet and cabinets.
“No one is in here, Ms. Ripa”, he says confidently. “I could swear I heard someone,” Kelly says. Not wanting to appear crazy, she thanks him and sends the guard on his way. The guard leaves the room closing the door behind him. She goes back to sitting in her makeup chair and looking at herself in the mirror.
“So you really think that you are the star?” says the voice, in a concerning manner.
“All right”, says Kelly, “I’ve had enough. Who and where are you?” Kelly is starting to tremble and she is quickly returning to panic mode.
“You called me by name and I am here with you”, the non-menacing voice speaks again.
“And just who did I call”, says Kelly, as her head begins to spin around the room looking for someone.
“You called for God and here I am”, the voice says.
“Yeah right, if you’re God, prove it to me. Do some sort of miracle or something”, says Kelly in an indigent tone. “If you insist,” the voice responds.
Jim sends a mild shock through the transmitter that shoots through her whole body.
“Ouch!!” she cries out in pain. “What in the heck was that all about?”
The voice speaks once more. “You wanted proof. Does this now satisfy you? If not then I can make it last longer or be more painful, whatever you would prefer.”
A totally freaked out Kelly sits twitching around in her chair. She subserviently looks all around herself responding, “No please. That is more than enough. I believe. I believe. What do you want with me? Why are you talking to me?”
“You asked for my help, so I am here to help”, the deep comforting voice tells her.
“Okay, but how can you help me?” respectfully she asks. Convinced that the Supreme Being is speaking to her, Kelly is now paying close attention to every word the voice says to her.
“I have been listening to you, Kelly. You seem to think quite highly of yourself. The truth is that you are not the star quality that you feel you are. Take Regis Philbin for instance, he has spent his entire career giving his viewers everything that they want. He will do anything that gives them laughter and pleasure. He is not afraid to look foolish or embarrassed, as long as the program’s audience and viewers enjoy the show. He does everything he can to please his fans and viewing public.”
“Now you, Kelly, are quite different. You do only what pleases you the most. You only do the things that you feel makes you look good. You are not willing to go the whole distance to please others. This is why you can never be the star of the show. You are far too selfish in your life and in the way you treat people. If you want to be the star then you have got to change your ways. You are going to have to become a much more giving person.”
Kelly feels terribly ashamed by what God is telling her. “I can change God” she devoutly says, “I can do all those things. Please just give me the chance. Just tell me what I have to do. I’ll do anything to be the star of the show. Please give me one more chance to prove myself worthy.”
“I will give you a chance to prove yourself”, the voice tells her. “But you have to stop being such a prima donna and prove to me that you can serve rather than be served. You do this for me and I will help you become the real star of your show.”
Kelly obediently responds, “Oh yes God. I will do anything you want me to do. Just tell me what I have to do to prove myself and I will do it.”
The voice of God commands her, “Become a servant to prove your worth to me. Show me that you can do what it takes to tend to the needs of other people and what it takes to please others, rather than yourself. Learn the pleasures of giving rather than getting. I want you to apply for a job as a simple maid. Go to this address in Manhattan and become a maid serving the needs of others. Show me that you can spend one weekend pleasing someone besides yourself. If you can do this for me then I will do all I can for you.”
On Saturday morning, Kelly rings the doorbell of a stylish Manhattan high rise apartment. A tall, handsome man answers the door. “Are you Mr. Jim Coleman?” she politely asks.
“Yes, I am”, he replies.
“I’m here for the job interview as your maid,” says Kelly.
“Please come in”, he says gesturing her inside. “And your name is?” he asks.
Kelly smiles at him and flutters her eye lashes, “Why Kelly Ripa, of course.”
“And I should know you exactly how?” questions Jim.
“I thought you would have recognized me”, she smirks. “You know, the TV show, Live with Regis and Kelly.”
Jim looks surprised and tells her, “Oh yes, I know who you are now. You’re Regis Philbin’s side kick.”
Kelly makes a sour face and looks at him with distain, “I’m the co-host.”
Jim pleasantly smiles back, “Why of course you are. Please come in and have a seat.” Kelly walks into the living room, sits on the couch and crosses her legs. She is wearing a short blue dress that shows most of her beautifully toned legs and thighs. “Did the agency sent you over to me specifically?” asks Jim.
Confused by the question but playing along she replies, “Oh, yes they did. I was told to be here at this date and time. Why do you ask? Weren’t you expecting me to be here?”
“Well, yes, I was expecting someone to interview as a maid but I guess the agency must have made a mistake with the booking. I was looking for someone slightly different than you”, he says.
“I don’t understand. Is it because I’m a celebrity? I’m perfectly willing and capable of doing the job,” Kelly answers. She is quite confused at this point. She wasn’t expecting all these odd questions. Her main objective is just to get this job.
“No, that’s not it. I’m sure that you are quite capable”, Jim replies. “Frankly, I don’t care about your celebrity status. The problem is with the way you look. I asked the agency to only send applicants that are very attractive and, how delicately can I put this, blessed with well-endowed breasts. You’re a very good looking and pretty woman, but quite honestly; you’re flat chested.”
Kelly internal steam pressure begins to rapidly rise. She immediately stands to her feet. “I don’t have to listen to this kind of talk. Good day to you, sir.” She stomps her way to the front door and exits, slamming the door behind her.
Infuriated and shaking from the whole insulting experience, Kelly stands waiting for the elevator to come.
“Giving up already?” the voice in her head says.
“I don’t have to listen to that kind of talk”, she answers. “I have never been so humiliated.”
The voice says, “This is exactly what I am talking about. You only care about yourself. If the man wanted something else, you should have listened to him and not made such a fuss. Serving someone means that you do what is expected of you, in order to benefit others. That is your position. If you want my help then you are going to have to do better than this right here.”
Kelly finds herself standing at the apartment door again, ringing the bell. As the door opens she looks very sweet and contrite. “I apologize for my poor reaction. Please Mr. Coleman; give me another chance with the interview. It won’t happen again.” Once again Jim invites her in.
As she walks through the door, acting a little smug she says, “Oh, and by the way, just so you know I am a 32AA.”
“That’s still just two BB’s on a board to me”, says Jim. Kelly scowls at him but keeps her mouth shut this time. She didn’t come here to argue. She does her best to focus on her task at hand.
Kelly sits again on the couch as Jim goes over the particulars of her employment. “Now I am interviewing four separate applicants. Each will work for a weekend and then I will decide who I am hiring. You will be required to spend the entire weekend here. Did you bring any luggage?”
Kelly smiles politely and responds, “Yes sir, I left a small case at the concierge’s desk.” Jim tells her that he will call down and have it brought upstairs.
“You have a pleasant room here with a separate bathroom and shower. Your room also has a widescreen television with cable, DVD, DVR and all the comforts of home. You will be required to work from 7am to 7pm, with time off for meals and regular breaks. You will work here until Monday at noon. You’ll do all the cooking and cleaning around the apartment. All the laundry is sent to the cleaners to be done and all the groceries are delivered to the door. The biggest job you have is to make sure that the place is free of dirt and well cleaned. I have a dust allergy that wreaks havoc on my sinuses. Do you think that you can handle all that?”
Kelly nods her head, “Yes sir, I’m a good cook and house cleaner. I can get all that done for you.”
“Fine”, Jim says. I will also require that you wear a uniform. I keep uniform supplies here. What is your dress and shoe size?”
Kelly finds this a bit odd but correctly tells him, “I wear a size 2 dress and size 7 shoes.”
Jim pulls a metal tape measure from a drawer. “Please stand up and take your shoes off so I can measure you for your heel length.”
Kelly finds this request even more bizarre but she rises from the couch telling him, “I’m five foot two inches tall and I weigh 97 pounds.”
As she is standing barefoot, Jim measures her left side from the floor to her hip joint. Doing mental calculations he says, “Let’s see, that will require about six inch heels for you.”
“Six inch heels to do house work?” Kelly questions in disbelief. Jim ignores her and gives no answer to the inquiry. He then instructs her to follow him.
Jim leads Kelly to a hallway closet. He opens it, reaches in and grabs a hanger with a dress. He hands her a black satin maid uniform with an extremely short hemline that has three layers of frilly white lace below it. The entire chest area of the dress is sheer white chiffon. He then hands her a pair of gloss black shoes with six inch stiletto heels. He also hands her a pair of sheer white silk stockings and a white lacy garter belt.
“You expect me to wear this?” says Kelly tersely. This is becoming more than she wants to deal with.
“That’s what I expect you to wear. Do you have a problem with that?” Jim says sharply back to her.
Thinking back to the promise she made to God, Kelly demurely says, “No, no problem. I was just making sure I had everything you wanted.” Jim points out where her room is and tells her to go and try on the uniform to make sure that it fits properly.
Kelly is beside herself as she puts on the skimpy outfit that she has been given. “I can’t believe what I am doing. This is what it takes to be a star? God, I sure hope that you are watching and listening. If this doesn’t prove myself to you then I don’t know what could.” Kelly finishes changing, leaves her room and walks back into the living room area where Jim is standing.
“What in the hell do you think you are wearing?” Jim asks with a perturbed look on his face.
“I’m wearing exactly what you gave me to wear”, Kelly says timidly.
She is standing there in her high heels, garter belt and stockings with a dress that barely covers her ass. What really looks strange is that under the sheer chiffon dress top, she is wearing her bra. “I don’t believe I gave you a bra to wear”, barks Jim. Now go back and put on only what I gave you to wear. And if you’re wearing panties or a thong below that dress; then remove them as well.”
Kelly walks back to her bedroom in a complete state of shock and disgust. “If he expects me to parade around practically nude, then he can just forget it. I’m getting out of here right now.” Kelly begins to remove her outfit when suddenly the voice speaks again.
“Well Kelly, I see that you are quitting once more. I was afraid that you weren’t up to this task. I guess that you can forget about your future career.”
Kelly is very upset and almost in tears. “God, why do I have to subject myself to this?”
The voice tells her, “It’s your decision Kelly. It’s just showing a little of your body. This appears to be the limit that you will go. But you will have to do better than this if you want to prove yourself to me.” Kelly resigns herself to the situation and goes back to putting on the uniform as Jim asked her to wear it.
“I’ve got to get through this”, she nervously says. She musters up the courage and leaves her room.
As Kelly, once again, comes into the living room. Jim is obviously pleased this time by what he sees.
“Damn Kelly, if those aren’t the thickest and most pert nipples I’ve ever seen”, he exclaims. Kelly blushes bright red. She is completely stunned and flabbergasted by his comment.
“I bet those stick out a half an inch when they’re hard”, says Jim. “That must be how you measured a double A cup size. I’ve just got to see what those feel like. You don’t mind if I give them a touch do you?” Quicker than Kelly can respond, Jim reaches out with both hands and pinches both of her nipples and starts to rub them.
Kelly is so shocked that she can’t speak. She is frozen in place as Jim tweaks her nipples.
“Look at how those buttons stiffen up”, says Jim. “You have the most beautiful chest I’ve ever seen on a small breasted woman.” He keeps groping her breasts and nipples. “These globes should be in a famous painting or something”, he continues. “I don’t know when a pair of breasts has fascinated me so much.”
As Kelly is coming out of her state of shock she finds herself not only becoming excited by his groping but she is just reeling emotionally from the compliments that she is receiving. No one has ever said such wonderful things about her breasts before. She is really enjoying this. This is shocking to her but at the same time really turning her on.
Jim stops playing her nipples and tells her to go about her duties. Kelly is still dizzy from the experience as he shows her the pantry closet where all the cleaning supplies are kept. As she goes about her duties, Kelly begins to realize what God was saying to her about the joy of pleasing others.
#Kelly #Ripa #Regis #Philbins #job